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Angel Arms

a true story of love after death

Month

August 2016

Tough Love 💔

~Chapter Two~

I cannot share this true tale without the backstory that prepares the reader for the things to come.

Who needs a miracle when all is well? A rainbow is at its sweetest after the rain. Well, raining it was… actually it was storming.

I got married years ago to a man I love. I met him in college and we began our long-lasting relationship right before graduation and were engaged just a few months later.

Looking back it all looks so quick and reckless, yet at the time it didn’t feel that way at all. Truly it felt meant to be.

Actually, I had known him for years after working with him and taking college classes with him even before we were accepted into the same therapy school.  I had casually befriended him for over four years before we even had our first official date.

I was the one who asked him to begin the journey of our over 20 year relationship… and once the door was opened he seemed to eagerly go along. He was handsome, loyal and complicated… what wasn’t there to love?

I will never forget the night, over a candlelit dinner when he shared his darkest secret with me: he was on an antidepressant. He struggled with depression. He braced himself for rejection, but I reached back with love and acceptance knowing that he was in no way defined by this mental illness.

I truly appreciated his honesty and vulnerability. I felt honored to have him share such a private thing with me. He seemed ashamed. I really didn’t understand how deep his depression was, nor how deep was his fear and shame. How could I without truly experiencing it myself?

I thought I knew what was ahead, and was not worried one bit. An optimist by nature I was sure once life became more stable and secure his mood would improve as well. After all, I myself had taken Prozac for a short time a few years before, and eventually got off of it as my coping skills and life improved. Therefore, I saw no red flags and felt no fears due to his confession.

Little did I know that his mood, depression and anxiety issues would become the center of my life. I wanted to be supportive so I adjusted my expectations of him. I consciously tried to accommodate his needs and was hopeful my unconditional love would improve his outlook and help make him happy.  After all, isn’t that what we are supposed to do in marriage and for those we love?

As the years passed, I gradually let go of my own preferences and became satisfied with going along with his.  We rarely entertained, minimized contact with my “annoying” family and had very few couple friends. We went to his preferred restaurants and mostly saw movies he wanted to see or those that I thought he might like. It didn’t FEEL controlling as he didn’t demand these things outright, yet if I attempted to choose otherwise his mood would sour and irritability would follow. It was easier I suppose to just let go.

I had my own friends. He rarely seemed to take any interest in who they were or what they were all about.  The was perhaps ONE acception of a friend of mine who lived in  our old neighborhood with a very nice, morally solid and easy-going husband.  Mostly, I would go out alone rationalizing “it’s just not his thing” or “I’m sure he’d be bored anyway”, never questioning why he wouldn’t go just to be with me.

The problem is, over time it just did not work. Being human myself I made “mistakes” as I juggled embracing my own happiness as I attempted to balance it with caring for him. He criticized and I analyzed how to fix things… both myself and him. I became tired, defeated and weary. Life and loving him was tough.
💖A

In the Beginning…

~Chapter One~

The story truly started many years before I came to know my angel. As I sit pondering where to begin, a memory twinkles in my mind.

Many years ago,  I lie in my bedroom. I was as a fresh-faced teenage girl around the age of 17.  Often as I went to bed, I turned off the lights, snuggled under the covers and prayed.

The room was dark except for the light from the moon. The top of my bedspread was firmly crinkled into my hands as I had pulled it up snugly under my chin. Fervently I  called out to God, speaking my request out loud: “Dear God, please. I want to see an angel.”

As the moon’s rays cast across the floor I heald my breath. I was scared as I believed that it might happen right then. My faith felt fragile and I thought that seeing an angel would solidify my faith making it easier to be obedient and believe. Yet, I fell asleep without seeing one. With hope, I imagined my request was floating up to Heaven’s ears.

On another night, not too far from the time I had prayed before, I sent God another plea, still not giving up on the last. That night I prayed to God for a Christian boyfriend. I would find some spiritual strength in a relationship! I was excited to see God bring him to me. Ask and you shall receive, right? Needless to say, I did not see an angel nor did a cute Christian guy show up to court me. “In God’s time I suppose,” I thought “if it even really works that way at all.”

If there ever was a forshadowing event in my life, this was it.

💖A

I realize not everyone believes life goes on after death. My story may change your mind about this, or at the very least hopefully open your mind up enough to reconsider it. 

The story I am sharing here with you is all true. I’m telling it to the best of my ability and with the help of close friends and journals. 

One may wonder why even tell it? I risk a lot by openinly writing this all down, not everyone will like what I have to say. I want to write this because I feel like I have been given such a huge transformative gift and I hope this will help me to truly embrace it. I want to remember all of the lovely and shocking details. I want to have a place to remind myself of the miracles. I want a place to go to so that I can remind myself this all very much real.

This blog will be an ongoing fluid retelling of the story of the heartaches and amazing miracles in my life. I will be sharing and editing it as I go along… so do not be surprised if you come back and discover I have shared more details or have reworded things in new ways. It is my hope that in the end… if there is one… that I will have this story recorded as closely as it can be to how I have experienced having an angel hold me through my darkest hours… and how he has carried me through in his arms.

💖A

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